Jim's Day Off
by ThankGodForJim
Summary: What The Escapist's Jim Sterling gets up to on his days off. Note: The character "Jim Sterling" portrayed in this story is not real-life People's Champion Jim Sterling, but rather the character Jim Sterling (from the hit web show Jimquisition) based on, but legally distinct from, People's Champion Jim Sterling. So this isn't libel. It also isn't copyright infringement for reasons.


It was Jim Sterling's day off, and he was ravenously horny.

He had been masturbating all day of course, absent-mindedly playing with his junk while he went about his morning. At noon, his wife and her son had gone to visit their family, so Jim had the house to himself and he dutifully took full advantage of the opportunity. He'd spent most of the afternoon wearing nothing but his trench coat and red tie, as it was a hot summer day in Mississippi, and besides, the gloves and shirt got in the way of his fevered, unrelenting wanking. He had stroked it in every room of the house and with all manner of implements in his anus, but he had not yet allowed himself sweet release. He was saving it for the perfect moment, when he had the perfect objects in his mouth and bumhole and the perfect erotica onscreen. This moment had not yet come (haha cum), but it was close, he could feel it in the way his dick was twitching and his prostate was throbbing.

He looked around the room, hoping that his keen wanksense would highlight the instruments of his eventual orgasm. He saw the big purple dildo baseball bat from _Saint's Row_, but no. That was too obvious, strictly for amateurs far below the likes of Jim Sterling, a highly accomplished wanksmith. He saw Aiden Pierce's iconic baseball cap which had been gifted to him by Ubisoft in exchange for the four-and-a-half-star review, but he hadn't cleaned that since the last time and it was in no state to be used again so soon. He saw a slightly singed copy of _Castlevania: Lords of Shadow 2_, but what the fuck was that good for? Fucking nothing, that's what.

Jim sighed. Maybe his penile eruption was further away than he'd hoped. But suddenly he felt a tingling in the back of his mind, subtle, but noticeable, and growing more intense with each passing moment. It was calling him over to his computer monitor, which was currently displaying _The Escapist_ homepage. He saw the picture of himself currently taking up about a third of the screen, so naturally his dick twitched and a drop of precum leaked out. However, he knew in his heart that he had come to pictures of himself too many times in the past for that to work now; he needed something really special.

Strangely, his eye was drawn to something even more erotic: the voluptuous curves of the letter e in the site's logo. He didn't know why he'd never noticed it before – that delicious curved base, the dainty loop at the top, the striking dash across the middle – it was all so perfect. He was tugging at his member frenziedly now, with more vigour than he had ever used before, and that was really saying something. He was close now, so close, riding the edge, about to cross the point of no return...

The long, supple rod of the e's dash reached out of the screen and slapped his hand away. "Hands off, you filthy boy!" it chided, in a slightly muffled, educated English accent. Its base flapped up and down as it spoke, and Jim was surprised to realise that its voice was not coming (haha cumming) out of his speakers, but from behind the glass of the screen itself. Jim opened his mouth to speak (though he wasn't quite sure what he was going to say) but before he could get a word out the rod extended again, and this time forced itself into Jim's open mouth. He was surprised, but not displeased, to discover that the rod was in fact the e's penis. It was a good penis, and Jim obediently began to fellate it.

"There's a good boy," said the e, as it stroked the side of Jim's face with the short end of its dash. If he hadn't been so focused on the task at hand Jim probably would have noticed that this end had a vagina on the tip of it, like a Fleshlight. "Don't talk, just suck, and listen. I hear you've been saying some unfavourable things about Final Fantasy XIII. I'll have you know that that's one of my favourite games, and one of the best ever made. It's not the fault of Isamu Kamikokuryo that the character designs were too cutting edge for you. Don't blame Daisuke Watanabe if the rich characterisation of Lighting was too subtle for you to notice, or if the symbolism of Sazh emerging from the Cocoon fal'Cie to discover that he was his own father went straight over your head. Now, I was very annoyed when I first heard your complaints, but I've since decided I'm just going to teach you a lesson through the medium of rough, consensual sex, and then all will be forgiven." Even as it was saying these words its breath began to grow heavier, and speed up. "Oh yes! Right there! Yes! Yes!" The e withdrew its cock from in between Jim's lips, and sprayed warm, thick, gooey semen all over Jim's face, letting it drip into his grateful mouth.

"That was good, Jim," the e said. "But we're just getting started." With that, it slipped its loop over Jim's hands and tightened, so he couldn't escape. It forced Jim down onto his back, holding his hands up over his head. As it slipped the end of its base in between Jim's buttcheeks (the base, by the way, was another penis) it presented its vagina for Jim to lick, which he did with great relish. The e wrapped its other penis around Jim's cock and jerked him off. It fucked Jim's ass at a steady rhythm, and with each thrust a new wave of pleasure convulsed through both Jim and the e. It didn't take long until they both came at once. The e pumped warm, thick spunk into Jim's love hole, as his own cock sprayed more jizz over himself than he had ever jizzed before. The vagina also jizzed on his face somehow.

It was some time before Jim's heart rate and breathing slowed to a point where he could talk. "If this is my punishment for bashing Square Enix," he said breathlessly, "Maybe I should bash them more often." The e bent down and gave him a long, passionate kiss. It winked at him."I look forward to it, big boy." it said, before jumping back into the screen and rejoining its place in _The Escapist_'s logo.


End file.
